Sup, Fitties? I’m going to (partially) plagiarize the shit out of myself and share a blog I posted (on a personal blog) in September of this year. Please don’t judge me – for the plagiarizing or for the content of this post. It took some courage to post it the first time, and it hasn’t gotten much easier, especially with the bigger audience.
When I was 15 years old, I weighed 178.6 pounds. It’s a number I have never and will never forget.
Having been an energetic, skinny child, it all happened very fast and looked unnatural on my body. My face just looked puffy. I wore clothes at least three sizes too big to hide myself, although they made me look even bigger.
I’d been wearing enormous clothes years before I actually gained any weight. I genuinely thought I was so fat starting in 7th grade when I was only 13 years old.
I took this photo when I was 14 years old:
I swore that no one would ever see it. Looking at this photo disgusted me. That’s how fat I thought I was.
I used to hang out with mostly guys around that time, and they thought I was crazy. It wasn’t until only a few years ago that I was able to recognize that it was when I was 13 that my eating disorder(s) began.
When I weighed around 170 pounds, I don’t know why I didn’t realize the severity of my weight-gain. I started going to Weight Watchers with my mom, but put no thought or effort into actually following the program.
One night in my junior year of high school when I was 16 or 17 years old, I went out with a friend to dinner at Applebee’s or Chili’s or some other forgettable chain restaurant. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger (yes, I used to eat meat!) and french fries. I remember it so well – the way-too-big portions and then the completely cleared plate. That was when I realized I had an eating problem, later recognized as binge eating.
Being the completely oblivious teenager that I was, I started a new diet, and I saw no issues with the fact that I was only eating 1/2 of a Lean Cuisine per day. I took naps during lunch period at school in the band room (I was a total “bandie” in high school), came home for 1/2 Lean Cuisine, and that was it. Obviously, I lost a lot of weight quickly. Teachers would stop me in the halls and neighbors would stop me on the street to say how much better I looked and how glad they were that I was paying attention to my health.
I was still wearing the same clothes, now probably four sizes too big.
Over the next 6 years, my weight fluctuated pretty intensely, and I jumped from eating disordered behavior to behavior. Depending on the week, the month, or even the day, I was engaging in behaviors associated with a different eating disorder: starving, restricting, binging, purging, over-exercising, etc.
I’ve been “recovered” for a couple of years now, but that doesn’t mean I always love my body or feel guiltless for indulgent eating.
I’ve been really struggling with Super Healthy eating for a long time now. I don’t mean obsessing over each calorie I consume (counting calories gives me anxiety and leads to unhealthy behavior) or not allowing myself a cookie or a slice of pizza every now and then. I’m finding it difficult to manage a balanced daily diet. I’m very much an all-or-nothing kind of person. Oh, I can have cheese? I’m going to eat ALL THE CHEESE. I’m going to allow myself to eat a cookie? I’m going to eat NINE OF THE COOKIES.
Now, my diet could be way worse. I’m a pescetarian (meaning I’m a vegetarian + fish-eater, although I go back and forth between vegetarian and pescetarian), I never eat fast food, I don’t eat fried food, and I almost never consume white bread/pastas.
Tell me, fellow Fitties and health-conscious friends! How do you manage to find a balance in your daily diet between all-or-nothing? Do you have any special super secret techniques that keep you in check in times of temptation? No one is perfect, but sharing even little bits of advice that have helped you along the way may help me and other readers.
Until next week, you sexy fools.