Eating Disorders & Finding a Balance
February 5, 2013 in Diet, Eating Disorders, Health by Samantha
Sup, Fitties? I’m going to (partially) plagiarize the shit out of myself and share a blog I posted (on a personal blog) in September of this year. Please don’t judge me – for the plagiarizing or for the content of this post. It took some courage to post it the first time, and it hasn’t gotten much easier, especially with the bigger audience.
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When I was 15 years old, I weighed 178.6 pounds. It’s a number I have never and will never forget.
Having been an energetic, skinny child, it all happened very fast and looked unnatural on my body. My face just looked puffy. I wore clothes at least three sizes too big to hide myself, although they made me look even bigger.
I’d been wearing enormous clothes years before I actually gained any weight. I genuinely thought I was so fat starting in 7th grade when I was only 13 years old.
I took this photo when I was 14 years old:
I swore that no one would ever see it. Looking at this photo disgusted me. That’s how fat I thought I was.
I used to hang out with mostly guys around that time, and they thought I was crazy. It wasn’t until only a few years ago that I was able to recognize that it was when I was 13 that my eating disorder(s) began.
When I weighed around 170 pounds, I don’t know why I didn’t realize the severity of my weight-gain. I started going to Weight Watchers with my mom, but put no thought or effort into actually following the program.
One night in my junior year of high school when I was 16 or 17 years old, I went out with a friend to dinner at Applebee’s or Chili’s or some other forgettable chain restaurant. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger (yes, I used to eat meat!) and french fries. I remember it so well – the way-too-big portions and then the completely cleared plate. That was when I realized I had an eating problem, later recognized as binge eating.
Being the completely oblivious teenager that I was, I started a new diet, and I saw no issues with the fact that I was only eating 1/2 of a Lean Cuisine per day. I took naps during lunch period at school in the band room (I was a total “bandie” in high school), came home for 1/2 Lean Cuisine, and that was it. Obviously, I lost a lot of weight quickly. Teachers would stop me in the halls and neighbors would stop me on the street to say how much better I looked and how glad they were that I was paying attention to my health.
I was still wearing the same clothes, now probably four sizes too big.
Over the next 6 years, my weight fluctuated pretty intensely, and I jumped from eating disordered behavior to behavior. Depending on the week, the month, or even the day, I was engaging in behaviors associated with a different eating disorder: starving, restricting, binging, purging, over-exercising, etc.
But alas.
I’ve been “recovered” for a couple of years now, but that doesn’t mean I always love my body or feel guiltless for indulgent eating.
I’ve been really struggling with Super Healthy eating for a long time now. I don’t mean obsessing over each calorie I consume (counting calories gives me anxiety and leads to unhealthy behavior) or not allowing myself a cookie or a slice of pizza every now and then. I’m finding it difficult to manage a balanced daily diet. I’m very much an all-or-nothing kind of person. Oh, I can have cheese? I’m going to eat ALL THE CHEESE. I’m going to allow myself to eat a cookie? I’m going to eat NINE OF THE COOKIES.
Now, my diet could be way worse. I’m a pescetarian (meaning I’m a vegetarian + fish-eater, although I go back and forth between vegetarian and pescetarian), I never eat fast food, I don’t eat fried food, and I almost never consume white bread/pastas.
Tell me, fellow Fitties and health-conscious friends! How do you manage to find a balance in your daily diet between all-or-nothing? Do you have any special super secret techniques that keep you in check in times of temptation? No one is perfect, but sharing even little bits of advice that have helped you along the way may help me and other readers.
Until next week, you sexy fools.
I realize it’s a less recognized/sensationalized disorder than others, but all of my problems with weight and health began when I developed compulsive eating as a response to my parents’ divorce. There are times when I simply can’t satisfy my feeling of hunger, no matter how much I eat. Eating comforts me and makes me feel safe. This is part of why I’ve gone vegan/nutritarian, because I can stuff all the salad greens I want down my gullet and it won’t hurt me the way chips and fries and buffalo wings and burgers did. For me, it’s all about embracing the disorder and using it to my advantage. If I feel the need to stuff my face between meals (and I do, all the freakin time) I will make myself a giant bowl of broccoli and kale, season it a tiny bit, and then devour it like a fucking beast. If I still feel hungry, I’ll grab a piece of fruit.
I have developed methods of restraint during meals. Primarily, I’ve established routines. It might seem boring to prepare and consume the same soup every day, but the entire process takes 60 to 90 minutes and I’m focused on food the entire time. Even if I’m not eating the entire time, that sustained focus satisfies my compulsion more than the soup alone would. Basically, I think about food constantly, but always in a positive light.
A “sensationalized” disorder. Isn’t that kind of sick? It completely true, but various eating disorders should be more widely understood and recognized. It’s the same thing with “exercise bulimia”. It’s peaking its way through college textbooks (or it was, at least, a few years ago when I was still in college), but there is no significant emphasis on any disorder other than anorexia and bulimia. Their way of generalizing eating disorders is to throw in EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).
I think it’s downright magical that you’ve been able to turn a deadly disease into a positive, healthy way of life. As long as you aren’t going crazy trying to keep up with your nutritarianism (new word?), I say WORK IT. I hope I can focus my energy on this kind of relationship with food, like, soon. <3
Going crazy about eating the right thing is called orthorexia – sometimes I feel lile I have it. Then I just eat half a pizza!
Just adding a trigger warning here in case anyone with an ED is reading:
I went through a period of having problems with restricting so I’ve learnt that restricting what I eat/cutting out lots of foods isn’t really a good idea for me, not at this stage of my life anyway. So I go about it by trying to make sure I eat enough good stuff- my 5 a day, fibre-rich foods, protein etc., and take multivitamins- and if I eat something unhealthy here and there, it’s okay. I ate some Haribo today, I don’t care. I don’t want to get back into the mindset that not eating as much/only eating certain foods is strong & eating anything else is weak (not that I think it’s okay to stuff my face with fast food 24/7!).
Thanks for sharing Sam =)
I think it’s extremely important to understand what works for you and what’s dangerous for you (as in what behaviors can turn into damaging behaviors). I think your approach to a better lifestyle is safe and healthy.
In other words… good job.
I have no idea how to find a balance. I am very much an all-or-nothing person to and have been through all of the issues you posted about, plus obsessive ‘healthy’ eating. I believe that’s called ‘othorexia’ now. I’m currently pescetarian (mostly vegan, but with a fish allowance
) with an interest in raw food, trying to cut out anything at all that’s processed. Having read Matt’s comment above, it sounds like we’re taking a similar approach. I can eat ALL THE SPINACH and it’s not going to end up in awful guilt, rocketing blood sugar, or worse. Having been through the restrictive phases in my teens, I will never ever EVER do that again. Ever.
too*
That’s my dream diet – vegan with a fish allowance! Basically I just want to significantly, if not completely, cut dairy out of my diet. I have a serious cheese addiction. I think Matt has inspired all of us to bathe in fresh vegetables.
“I’m finding it difficult to manage a balanced daily diet. I’m very much an all-or-nothing kind of person. Oh, I can have cheese? I’m going to eat ALL THE CHEESE. I’m going to allow myself to eat a cookie? I’m going to eat NINE OF THE COOKIES.”
I can’t even explain how much this resonates with me. So far, I haven’t been able to find a good way to combat this. My usual approach is to just cut it out completely but this only works for so long before I inevitably slip up. For example: Two years ago I decided to cut out all sweet treats. No cookies, pie, cake, chocolate, muffins. Nothing. And I was off of it for more than a year but there came a point where I ate one cookie and it was downhill from there. I’ve gone through phases like this with other types of food too (dairy, gluten etc.) but I’m only just starting to realize how potentially harmful this is. I have been trying to just eat healthier but it’s incredibly difficult for me. (Especially because I currently live in residence at school so I don’t have as much control over my food as I would like to!)
So, basically, we need to come up with a better solution to limit our indulgences in cheese and cookies. Ugh, living on-campus at school would make it SO DIFFICULT. Everything is so accessible, and I imagine it’s near-impossible to keep fresh foods in stock and have a kitchen in which to prepare them. I think in this case, you just have to do your best to make the right food choices.
I think Matt needs to move in with all of us… at the same time… and cook us food. Yep.
I’ve tried drinking a glass of water or tea whenever I feel like I really want a cookie and it works sometimes but not always.
‘m pretty much just waiting until I can move off campus and actually have a kitchen. I avoid the fast food options fairly well but some days there really just even really healthy options for the main course. It’s so frustrating to not be in control!
That’s a solid plan. I need to drink more water anyway (even though water is all I drink, there is always room for more). I’m going to keep that one in mind!
I struggle with this a lot, as a former anorexic and compulsive over exerciser whose JOB is exercising. (I’m a dancer and teach ballet, Pilates and other group fitness classes.)
I went vegan the same summer I entered a recovery program. At the time, my primary motivation was ethical (I’d been a vegetarian since before getting sick), but looking back I think having some structure to my diet helped me transition into eating healthy amounts without major freak outs.
That said, I highly recommend the “intuitive eating” principle, especially for people recovering from eating disorders. Google it or check out evolvedeating.org. The basic idea is that we learn how to eat–eating what appeals to us when we want to eat and stopping when we are no longer hungry–rather than focusing on eating only certain things at certain times. When I stray from this mindset and start trying to cut out “unhealthy” foods or diet etc., I invariably either gain weight or get anxious and obsessive. I maintain a vegan diet even with this approach because I’ve never enjoyed meats, eggs or dairy.
Remember that your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Obsessing over a specific exercise plan or diet to the point that it interferes with your day-to-day activities is not cool! When I feel myself drifting to that point, I take a step back and reevaluate.
First of all, every time you post of Facebook (or on the studio’s Facebook) that there’s a class coming up that afternoon, I always wish I could attend!
I remember that time when we were at your apartment and talking about veganism and I was going through your copy of Veganomicon (which I have *finally* bought). At the time, my interest in veganism was purely a means to cut out more food and basically be unable to eat nothing, which, of course, is not the case if you’re vegan.
I’ll definitely be looking into that website. I’ve never heard of that sort of approach to eating and food in general. Thanks for pointing me in that direction!!
“Obsessing over a specific exercise plan or diet to the point that it interferes with your day-to-day activities is not cool! When I feel myself drifting to that point, I take a step back and reevaluate.” — THIS. Occasionally, I forget how important this is. This is likely to be exactly why I’ve been stressed and therefore overeating (or vice versa) lately. Such an important point. Thank you for that reminder.
PS. I hope is well with you! Your son is beautiful (I’ve done my share of Facebook stalking)!
Evolved Eating also has workshops and stuff in NYC on occasion! I’m not 100% into all the philosophies but adapting the basic mindset of intuitive eating has made my relationship with food and my body so much healthier.
Hope all is well with you, too! I’m enjoying following your wellness journey on this blog. If you’re ever in the western NY area, come take my class!
How do I keep this short? I am still trying to figure out what my problem is because it is always changing and evolving. I just know that I am my own worst critic and it gets better and worse depending on whats going on in my life. I remember when I was nine being worried because my tummy pooched out. I thought life was great when I grew two inches in the 9th grade and didn’t gain any weight which made me the same size as my best friend. I gained later in high school due to depression and now I realize hormonal problems too. I was told by my mom that the doctor said I wouldn’t be able to have kids but didn’t say why. I lost weight again when I started college and instead of gaining the freshman 15 I lost and was down to 112-115 and a size 4. Believe it or not I still had a bit of a belly and my mom was telling me I should lose a few more because she didn’t want to worry about me having health problems. Apparently even being 10 pounds over weight could cause all kind of medical issues back in the day.
I ended up getting married a year before graduating and found myself pregnant a few months after graduation. The doctors must have been wrong. The never ending cycle with weigh loss had really begun. I gained 50 pounds which is a lot for someone who is 5’2″. Now probably 20 of that was water and I was on bed rest before being induced because of it but still. My next baby required fertility meds. I finally found out that I had PCOD which explained all my symptoms of having a thicker middle etc. The lowest weight I have been throughout having my four boys is 127. My goal now is 125 but I am stuck at 137 and I have to admit I am not happy about it at all.
I was almost 168 last April so I should be happy but I’m not. I was losing weight the right way at the beginning of last January which changed in May. I almost totally stopped eating and ended up joining weight watchers to try to psych myself out so I would know eating is okay. If I still had 15 points to go then I didn’t have to feel guilty about eating a few more. It helped a lot but not all the time. Too much stress to deal with and I needed to feel in control. I’m not talking about normal every day stress either. I’m not saying this because I want pity, it is just how things were. My husband went through a major depression and almost ended his life a few times. Once I came in just in time and the other I had to chase him out the door trying to stop him. He’s been out of work for a few years and just felt worthless. I’m in school now and hopefully will be working soon but he still feels like he is failing me. On my birthday in May he told me he was leaving me, that he wasn’t good enough for me, and that I should find another husband. He came to his senses, but I broke and I’m still not together. What went through my head was that I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough, and why hell would another man want me because I was overweight and my body ruined from having kids. I mean, my tummy looks like Freddy Kruger had some fun there are so many stretch marks. Plus the one person who I trusted in all the world was throwing me away and I didn’t want someone else. Now he didn’t leave me thank goodness. For me the damage is hard to fix. I’m still not okay but I am doing better.
My focus now is school and trying to eat as healthy as I can and not beat myself up for making poor choices. Of course my hubby and kids are in the mix too. I want to be a good mom and a good example for them. The running is a lifesaver. I don’t think I would have survived the summer without it. I have now been exercising for a year straight. Matt is right when he talks about routines. Sometimes I eat the same meals a few days in a row just so I know I am eating something healthy and don’t have to stress. My husband even helps me by trying to help out with the cooking on days where I am having a hard time. He gets frustrated with me but he knows the temptation to puke something up that I regret eating can be too strong. I told him I would rather eat nothing than have to puke it up so now he asks me if a food is something I can eat. I almost feel bad that he has to. I also find it helpful to find healthy foods that I really love. Anything to avoid the temptation of doing something I know is stupid. Having lots of the good food around is a blessing. I fell in love with Cameo apples and have a huge craving for oranges now thanks to Evana. I feel that’s a good thing.
So am I doing it right, doubt it. Reading through what I wrote I can see where I am still having trouble. I do try to stay positive. It’s just been one of those weeks. I hope I don’t regret putting all this out there because I feel it is something that should go in my journal. Some of it is. I just figure that even though I am probably the oldest person on here, that we still go through and feel some of the same things and you guys would probably get it.
Mostly I take things one day at a time. Tomorrow I have class at a ‘country’ restaurant and I have no idea what I can order and not feel guilty about eating. I have to eat or my instructor might get offended as it’s her families place. Wonder how strange it would look if I just ordered a lot of veggies…
Thank you Samantha for being brave enough to post this stuff.
Holy cow that was longer than I thought. Sorry!
Thank you for your comment! I’ve received private messages before from people who are currently struggling from eating disorders, but it really sounds like you need to address yours and realize that it IS a disease. It is not your fault that you obsess over food and eating/not eating.
If you aren’t seeing a doctor (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist), I really think you need to consider this. Just like any other disease, sometimes bed rest and vitamin C aren’t enough. There are thousands of doctors who specialize in eating disorders. Please consider looking into it, not only for your family, but for YOU. An eating disorder consumes your mind and makes life stressful, difficult to enjoy, and you can’t fully appreciate the fact that you’re alive.
I’m not urging you to seek help because I think you’re crazy. I’m urging you to seek help because I wish I’d had someone insisting that I seek help. It sounds like you’re READY to get better, and that is the most important first step to recovery.
Thanks again for sharing your story, and feel free to message me if you want to talk about it.
A doctor has been in the works. I’ve made great progress on my own but there are some things I just can not shake yet. Just working out the finance part of it and who I feel I can work with. I just want to know what it is as there are so many names for stuff now.
Dinner went well. I had a baked sweet potato, kale, pinto beans which had ham but I ate it anyways, and a slice of bread. Not as good as what I make at home but it worked.
I definitely read this when you posted it on your other blog, and I’m going to thank you for sharing it again. It’s great to know there are people I can talk to about stuff like this; I did the exact same thing in high school, where I would eat a tiny little meal thing once a day. And no one noticed, really, and just congratulated me on losing weight. I definitely stopped doing that, and I gained weight in university, but I also fluctuated a LOT. I would work on shows and stop eating again, or only eat like a bagel once a day. And no one would know, because I was never home or they would assume I ate somewhere else. I still do this occasionally; sometimes even when I’m home all day, I’ll distract myself and just not eat. I am way better about remembering to eat, but I still can’t eat very much in a sitting. (That might be a good thing but it is something that people notice now.) I got a part time job a few months ago, and I’ve been dropping weight pretty rapidly since. Though I want to drop the weight, and that never goes away, I do want to get healthier. But posts like these make me think about what I’m doing and the resources that are there. You are, again, so amazing for sharing this. Thank you.